NEEEERD!

I’ve always thought that Nerds are the coolest! They couldn’t care less about trendy Snap Backs or the latest Jordan’s to drop – they’re down to rock Millers Outpost(Anchor Blue) Beyond Baggys jeans and promo shirts they got for free at Comic Con anyday. Nerds listen to geographically-oriented music like Boston and Chicago or J or K pop and they love it! And who cares about landin’ chicks, and rockin’ and rollin’ when you can spend Saturday night with the PS3, make-believing you’re Commander Shepard slaughtering a race of terrifying machines!

Lately, I’ve been feeling that I’m not the only one who feels this way. From “Forrest Gump” to “Rushmore,” society has grown increasingly enamored with the Nerd. And for some reason, in such cases as Weezer and Quentin Tarantino, everyone’s been chiming in: “Dude! Nerds are Cool!”

Perhaps it makes sense. Most Nerds probably got teased or rocks thrown at their heads growing up, so instead of playing football with all the good-looking Abercrombie kids, they sat at home and used their brain noodles to think of out-of-the-box type o’ stuff, like weird music videos and how to bust hammer-taps on a garage-sale guitar. While all the blonde kids with beautiful blonde girlfriends boozed out on Uncle Ted’s yacht, Nerds invented really Cool things like the Internet, laser-beams, and plasma screens.

Think about it. Anyone we consider Cool these days was actually a bona-fide Nerd in their youth. Just off the top of my head, I’d say Movie Stars are pretty Cool, especially the ones that wear tinted sunglasses and struggle with eating disorders. Brad Pitt. Angelina Jolie. Patrick Swayze. You know, people like that. But these were the same brace-faced Drama Club Dweebs in high school, losing the hard-fought battle with acne, waxing ecstatic about Monty Python, and painting Edgar Allen Poe-try on their Doc Martens. Movie Stars were the same greasy introverts who used words like “Carpe Diem,” laughed at really horrible jokes about Capitalism, and donned Nirvana flannel like it was school uniform.

So Movie Stars are actually glorified drama club alumni with nose jobs. *Sigh* Wait, Rock Stars and Musicians are Cool! They’re reckless, slaves to their art, and are modern-day renegades: Punk, dirty, balls-to-the-wall, angry, and loud! Now that’s Cool, man!

Ahem…Orchestra? Band camp? Take for instance, candy-coated producers, the Neptunes, the much-coveted rap super-producers who all the Girls want and all the Guys want to be. The general public thinks these cats are mad fresh, yo! But guess where Pharrell and Chadfirst joined forces in true Nerd-tron fashion? Their Virginia Beach high school band class. C’mon now, their band’s named N.E.R.D!

Surely there are some Cool people who have just always been Cool. People who drive yellow Lamborghinis, powerful suits that own basketball teams, CEOs? Undoubtedly, Rich People are Cool, but there’re only two ways you can wipe your bottom with Benjis: either you spent decades of your life Nerding out in the library to pull teepee-shaped letter grades or you inherited the flow, which means you’ve always been a snot-nosed spoiled brat anyways. Look at founder and CEO of the Trump organization, Donald Trump. He’s Cool, but he’s also the hugest Nerd ever!

See? Nerds are the Coolest. Forget suave demeanor, cigarettes, and Gucci. Quit chasing the wrong things in life. It’s all about social ineptitude and public awkwardness!

-Justin

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